Stuff I ain't gonna call you out on (even though I reeeeally really want to)
I want you to be the best you you can be. I'm just too damn nice to tell you how sometimes. So don't expect my polite ass to call you out on your
- •Bad breathI can't. It's horrifying to be aware that your words literally repulse everyone. It sucks to think that the CO2 leaving your lungs smells of sulphur. I can't bring myself to let you believe these things. Even if it's true. Drink more water. Brush and floss. I do the same for you.
- •Awful grammarIt bugs me. A lot. It bugs me twice as much that I'm probably one of like two in the room that recognizes it. You talk like a really foul mouthed five year old, and you know it. But, I've learned over the years that so few others notice this because nobody else has really cared about proper English since 8th grade...and yet they still live happy, productive lives. So, instead I will sit back and study your language so that we may one day be able to talk.
- •Your crappy taste in musicIt's too damn personal. And if you're happy singing along to it, what kind of barbaric creature am I to ridicule?
- •Your body odorIt's kind of like the bad breath, except that I will call GUY out on this one. We just aren't as ashamed of our BO. Maybe I underestimate an average girl's emotional stability, but I can't bring myself to risk causing one to run out of the room in tears. Some folks don't want to march straight to the shower after working out. That's fine. Drink your water. Stretch if you need. I can hold my breath.
- •Your poor parentingThis is not my business, and I really don't know how hard it is to be a parent. And I have earbuds if I feel like I need them. Please don't let the kid throw up on my feet. I ask nothing else of you.