Ingratitude Thoughts

Now this is the usual @lizabeth style stuff! ((Edit: is has come to my own attention upon it not being late at night that these are primarily feelings and not facts. Feelings are not forever. For that I am grateful because I felt pretty shitty when I wrote this.))
  1. I'm fundamentally flawed.
  2. My passion is dead.
  3. I'm too young to say all that.
  4. I'm faking everything.
  5. I have absolutely no importance.
  6. My work ethic is gone.
  7. I've never been liked, let alone loved.
  8. I can't even remember the last time I was kissed.
    Years.
  9. I am super fat.
    Ugh. I'm not just saying that like "omg I'm so fat" I'm large. Always have been fat. But even more than usual now.
  10. I'm always exhausted except when I should be sleeping.
  11. Exercise is out of the question entirely because I hurt all the time.
    I hate moving my whale carcass of a body.
  12. I am afraid to get my hair cut.
    I think it has been 3+ years. It's all ratty and horrible on the ends but every attempt to even "trim" curls is bad.
  13. I cry all the time.
  14. I'm surrounded by people but incredibly lonely.
  15. I have less than no confidence.
  16. I hate myself in a way that won't motivate me.
    It used to be disappointment, that I didn't achieve what I thought I had in me, but now I don't believe in myself at all and have no motivation for trying to change anything. I deserve suffering.
  17. I'm selfish and my extended family gossips about me for being selfish because my immediate family needs my help all the time.
  18. I am not pursuing anything creative.
  19. I don't even do community theatre.
    Despite sinking how much I'm paying off each month into a private degree that only taught me I'm not good for casting? (At 21 years old, only actress I remind anyone of is Kathy Bates?!)
  20. I don't even write which you can do anywhere, because I am dried up and pointless and so exhausted of everything and have nothing new or interesting to say.
    Writing is boring anyway, I only do it so I have a play to be in because I never get cast in anything.
  21. I eat terribly.
    All I want is fast food. All the time.
  22. I have a job where I don't care about what I do.
    It's tech support and people are nasty to me. I have to support what I know is flawed system software.
  23. I don't get paid anywhere near enough money to live in this area.
    And my mother is quick to tell everyone that instead of any credit for having a job.
  24. I really just have a job to get healthcare so I can afford the chemicals to make myself get up the next day and go to the job I don't care about.
  25. I haven't done my laundry in so long and I am so gross my room is SO disgusting.
  26. I am a pity party millennial blah blah blah.
  27. I'm sick of being a child.
  28. I'm sick of treating myself for being sick.
    For the rest of my life.
  29. I'm tired of going to work and pretending I'm okay when I'm not.
    I never get vacations, just sick days and help my family days.
  30. I miss my dad before his brain was irreversibly damaged.
  31. My mom has cancer too but it's removable. But she has to wait to get surgery.
  32. I'm just waiting for my cancer.
    Eagerly.
  33. We have to sell my childhood home to pay for allllll the medical bills.
    ... Where I still live (how pathetic, it's for the best right?)
  34. And I know I'm not a Syrian refugee.
    I know I have so much privilege and that's makes me an even worse human being.
  35. Politics are so horrible and upsetting I can't even go on Facebook for five minutes.
  36. I have no courage.
  37. I miss my college friends, they're all in other cities and getting married because someone loves them.
  38. I can solve everyone else's lives but not my own.
    Seriously I have belief and a plan for everyone except myself.
  39. I am ashamed of how little I do, just get through every day with the bare minimum done.
    And then berate myself before the end of the night.
  40. I can't think about it without anger, you can control laws for my uterus but not a gun?!
    I feel so hopeless with nothing to be done.
  41. My eyebrows are not good.
  42. I am overdue for about five annual doctor appointments of my own because ugh.
    I can't get contacts again until I see an eye doctor but they are expensive and I cry all the time anyway.
  43. I bought myself a lot of dumb Christmas gifts on my first credit card.
    Because no one else will be getting me anything so pity party presents to pay off!
  44. My fucking cat won't sit on my lap until I have to pee or go somewhere.
  45. I shouldn't post this but I spent so much time on this I know I will.
  46. This one is so much longer than the gratitude one omg.