Worst Parts of Being a Problematic Sleeper

  1. Can't fall asleep.
    "It's late? I'm exhausted? I have to wake up early tomorrow? Lemme just lay here for hours being anxious about how I'm not sleeping."
  2. Can't wake up
    I can have conversations I don't remember, turn off many alarms on different clocks, and sleep through almost anything. Once I'm asleep I'm dead to the world, a monster who will not wake up.
  3. People don't believe me
    Yes. I did sleep till 4:30pm. I could've kept going, too.
  4. I've said some terrible stuff I didn't mean, in the mornings when my only priority was more sleep
    Sorry, Mom. I would've been flunked and fired so many times without you. I need a shirt that says "I'm sorry for what I said when I was sleepy."
  5. It's inconvenient
    Apparently I shouldn't text people at 4am? Even if I'll forget later?
  6. It's confusing
    Ever woke up and genuinely asked if it's AM or PM? Or what day of the week is today?
  7. Pills
    Pills to fall asleep. Pills to wake up. Pills at 3pm because I'm a zombie with two hours of work to go but I'll perk up at an inconvenient time tonight at the prospect of sleep at normal hours.
  8. I've tweeted some things and not remembered later
    I can't take the heavy sleep meds (i.e. Ambien) because of the whole waking up part already being hard enough. So I don't do anything too crazy late at night, except tweet stuff that isn't actually funny that I'm giggling about at 2am with no filter. Then I delete the tweets the next day.
  9. I still need sleep
    I know people who can go without it and be fine. Nope.
  10. Movies and concerts are a problem
    Getting overstimulated by lights and sounds means I know I'm going to be extra hard to settle down at night. (I sound like a baby, and that's not far from the truth.)
  11. Naps are not possible
    I envy people who can nap. It's either a hard coma or wide awake for me! And always at the wrong times.
  12. I have multiple alarm clocks in addition to all my phone alarms
    Radio clock, buzzing clock, nature sounds clock, phone with ringers and songs. I have to get up and turn off the clocks across the room. Still not enough.
  13. I'm extremely unproductive when I should be asleep
    Some people stay up accomplishing things. I'm wide awake right now and it's gonna be a huge accomplishment if I publish this list!
  14. I dropped big $$$ on a Sunbox lamp in high school and I HATE IT it's TORTURE but I will use it (starting tomorrow) because it's dark now and I have listed it and that's accountability, folks.
    "Wow, I love aiming a fluorescent light up close at my eyeballs first thing every morning!" said NO ONE EVER.
    So many missed opportunities for favs 💤