A LIST OF PEOPLE AND ONE DOG I WOULD PUNCH IN THE FACE NO QUESTIONS ASKED

  1. Nancy Grace. If there's a white woman who loves missing white women, it's her.
  2. Mall kiosk employees. I don't want my hair straightened. I don't want perfume. I don't want a massager that I'm not going to use for its intended function. STOP TALKING TO MEEEE
  3. The guy in Minnesota wearing shorts and flip flops in 20 degree weather. We get it, dude. You're better than us.
  4. Peyton Manning. What a dope. HE TUCKS HIS JERSEY INTO HIS JEANS.
  5. The barista who tried to pass off whole milk with a sprinkle of cinnamon as an EGGNOG LATTE I MEAN CMON IM PAYING SIX BUCKS FOR THAT MICKEY MOUSE SHIT.
  6. Jon Lovitz, even though he makes a great radio.
  7. Dick Cheney. He shot a dude in the face, he AT LEAST deserves some fist-to-face contact.
  8. Scrappy Doo.
  9. Anyone who uses "summer" as a verb. Get out of here, you pretentious fuck.
  10. Will Smith because he isn't coming back for the Independence Day sequel. I'm blaming his absence on his weirdly philosophical son and Twitter prophet, Jayden.
  11. Bristol Palin. I mean it won't be her first shot to the face AMIRIGHT.
  12. But seriously Scrappy Doo.