EMBELLISHED JOB TITLES ON MY RESUME

  1. Literature Representative for the Incarcerated
    I patched people through to their criminal family member to find out what porn they wanted to order.
  2. Canine Transportation Advocate
    Dog walker.
  3. Asiatic Cuisine Consultant
    I worked at a Chinese restaurant that also served Indonesian food.
  4. Evening Fermentation Specialist
    I drank a lot of wine on the job.
  5. Deescalation Representative
    Talking Comcast customers off a ledge for eight hours a day.
  6. Captain of Botany Removal
    Mowing lawns.
  7. Carbohydrate Transportation Executive
    That one summer I worked at Domino's.