1. A dog or cat or any pet that I wasn't allergic to
  2. Really-life-like-but-not-terrifying stuffed animals in lieu of actual animals
  3. Air Jordans
  4. Reebok Pumps, God damn, so much
  5. Money, especially to buy sneakers that my parents (RIGHTLY) deemed too expensive for a 10 year-old - awkward insecure tomboy or not
  6. A twin brother
  7. An older brother
  8. A younger brother
  9. Any sibling who spoke to me more than my sister did at the time
    I get it. Five years was a lifetime of difference when she was in high school and I was in 4th grade.
  10. A friend in Hebrew school, or for Wednesday afternoons and Sunday mornings and once-a-month "family service" Friday nights to just stop
  11. To keep watching Twin Peaks with my sister without really understanding it, but also to cover my eyes and get up and walk out because I don't like this but I'm not really sure why it feels so creepy but
  12. To be promoted to jazz band without actually practicing clarinet
  13. To be one of those kids who lived on the coast of Maine all year round and rolled their eyes at summer visitors
    I best-friended one of those kids in adulthood, which has helped calm this desire just a little. It still feels like being friends with a unicorn.
  14. The affection of boys, especially ones that exuded even a whiff of first-season Charles in Charge Scott Baio
  15. A flatter stomach/smaller waist
    This particular desire goes back far, and I hate that. Only now am I starting to feel that hatred as an outward-facing rage that leaves little room for the desire itself.
  16. To be braver in friendships and stick up for myself, though maybe the fact of this desire wasn't so clear to me at the time
  17. A second New Kids on the Block pillowcase, probably
  18. Camp forever