It's a little suspicious, as you will discover.
  1. My legs itched for two years. I thought it was the lotion I was using.
    Then another lotion. Then my pants. Then the air. Then I thought it was normal.
  2. I thought, "Maybe I just get hives now??"
  3. I thought, "There is no possible way I have bedbugs."
  4. The leg itching followed me from San Francisco to Portland.
    My bed, and the wooden pallet a friend had given me which made me feel SO GROWN UP BECAUSE MY MATTRESS WAS NO LONGER ON THE FLOOR also followed me.
  5. During this two year period, I was the only person who slept in my bed for any longer than one night in a row.
  6. Finally, two years after the itching began, I left my bed for two weeks.
  7. My legs, magically, didn't itch.
  8. The day I came home, I was massacred in the night.
    My little bedbug guys were hungry!
  9. I could deny it no longer. I lifted a corner of my sheet and a swarm of dark red bugs skittered away.
    I cried. I called my mom.
  10. The exterminator said: "This is a serious infestation. I see bugs here in every life stage."
    Generations of bugs had been feasting on my blood. I was their God. I was the only life force they knew!
  11. The exterminator said: "You have to sleep with them until they all die or they will follow you in the night around your house."
    My bedbugs really really loved me.
  12. It is very hard to sleep once you acknowledge bugs are crawling all over you in the dark.
  13. Slowly, my followers died.
    My hives went away. My legs stopped itching.
  14. Around this time, I met a boy on Tinder.
  15. He was really too good to be true.
    Nice, smart, cool. Way way into me.
  16. For awhile, we slept in the guest room when he came over.
    I acted like it was a thing.
  17. Finally, I told him about the bedbugs. He was unfazed.
  18. He liked to nibble my neck sometimes.
  19. We had different work schedules so mainly I saw him at night.
  20. I moved to a new apartment, threw out the wooden pallet.
  21. The boy remained.
  22. He likes to wake up and make me breakfast.
  23. Sometimes he vacuums.
  24. In the story, at some point, maybe here, I'm going to have to realize he's a giant bedbug that my brain is seeing as a human because it wants to.
    I denied the existence of the bugs for so long. Why not a little bit longer?
  25. I'll come to this realization slowly.
  26. He's so grateful to me for the two years of blood.
  27. My blood, mixed with the bug killer chemicals, caused the bedbugs to fuse--merge into one super, giant, sweet bedbug.
  28. I remain their God, though they present now as a cute boy with blue eyes.
  29. They sustained themselves on my blood for so long, they know exactly what I needed.
    They had suffered my disappointments. Seen my triumphs. Read my dreams.
  30. The bedbug boyfriend turns out to be the thing that sustains my life.
  31. We live happily ever after.
  32. The End