HOW I KNOW JARED IS DRUNK

Jared Knowles is my beloved husband and an alcohol enthusiast. His consumption of alcoholic beverages is typically twice the speed of those around him, resulting in him getting drunk first and allowing others to notice with better clarity the signs indicating he is drunk. They are as follows:
  1. His right eye is in some way, shape, or form closed or being on the way to closed.
  2. He speaks at a volume much louder than needed.
  3. He is yelling at Jimmy or asking where Jimmy is over and over.
  4. He becomes more touchy-feely than usual. And not just with me, but with most people around him, included large bearded strangers.
  5. His dog Snarf becomes something he lays directly on, perhaps in an effort to test his patience, or to show affection. Either way, only Jared thinks it is funny.