PRO TIPS ON TEENAGE BINGE DRINKING

In honor of high school being almost over and numerous nights of thrashing around my bed, here's what I've learned over the four best years of my life!!!! (In no particular order)
  1. There's a reason girls don't drink beer
    I don't ever want to pee 5x an hour and have consumed 10x the calories when obvi the goal is to GET FUCKED UP plz let me drink Malibu out of my nalgene
  2. There is no such thing as being sober at a high school party
    That would just be too sobering
  3. Mixing jungle juice with snow is probably not a good idea because it will probably create a lethal combination of diarrhea and binge drinking
  4. The correct level of drunk
    The level at which you've drank too much for other people to request things of you. This way, you don't ever have to take care of other drunk teenagers, consider driving drunk or really doing anything that you don't want to
  5. The friends while you make while drunk don't really carry over to non binge drinking life where you're really boring and terrible obviously but they still are your friends when you get drunk with them again
  6. ITS NOT BINGE DRINKING
    DONT CALL IT THAT BECAUSE THAT WOULD MEAN THAT SOMEONE ACTUALLY HAS A PROBLEM WHICH THEY DONT, DUH MOM
  7. Cigarettes are not joints ?????????
    I've drunk smoked 6 cigarettes in my life all because of this common misconception BUT BE CAREFUL BECAUSE THEYRE RLLY BAD FOR U
  8. If you go to a party and no one appeals to you immediately take 3 shots
    Pro tip: You wont feel as guilty at all if you take them with the valedictorian
  9. If you actually get into a conversation with someone then it is okay to "hook up" with them as long as it's exactly like the sex scene in obvious child, like before the abortion part.
    Don't worry, it won't be
  10. Remember that whatever you do is okay
    Because you won't remember it so it's totally chill brah
  11. Even though there's a lot of things on the list that seem not worth waking up with a pounding headache and parental disapproval/ peer disapproval for!! It's totally worth it when you make lasting memories with your high school class mates!
  12. Is college going to be like this?