THE PLANETS, RANKED

  1. Earth
    I can easily live on you without my body disintegrating, incinerating, or crystallizing.
  2. Saturn
    You sexy piece of ass.
  3. Uranus
    I cannot confidently speak your name.
  4. Jupiter
    You're like a highly attractive Java Chip Frappuccino.
  5. Venus
    You are the only girl planet and sweet dignity are you HOT.
  6. Neptune
    You are so shy. Venus doesn't even know you exist.
  7. Mars
    Cliché af, you were almost forgotten on this list.
  8. Mercury
    Get the hell out of retrograde, son.