Today I am going to a bridal shower for the woman who is marrying a friend of mine. This is a list of things I do not want to be asked and will lie about when asked. I will update later with which questions were asked and the lie I responded. Compelling. Stay tuned.
  1. What they say: How old are you? What they mean: I hope you're older than me.
  2. What they say: Are you dating anyone? What they mean: I'm prettier than you, if you're not single I need to reevaluate my life.
  3. What they say: Do you have kids? What they mean: I have kids, I'd like to take this opportunity to talk about them in detail. My gifted children Strata and Syyymlak (don't worry I don't even know how to pronounce it.)
  4. What they say: Oh no! You want kids though don't you??!? What they mean: I'm a breeder so you must be one too. If you don't want kids I'll assume lots of things about you, but mainly I'll feel bad that you'll never know what it truly means to love selflessly.
  5. What they say: What do you do for a living? What they mean: I want to tell you what I do for a living and then brag about how more accomplished I am than you.