How To Have A Killer Hike 🌻

  1. Start with a v practical outfit
    I hate me too
  2. And a squad!
  3. Make sure 107 degrees outside
  4. And nowhere near the cool ocean breeze
    Challenge yourself!
  5. Get stopped by a friendly postal worker who offers some helpful advice!
    "Are you people crazy?! I'm only out here because I have to be! You should go inside!"
  6. See ominous dead raccoon, do not change course!
  7. Descend into beautiful canyon and/or hell's butthole
  8. Take pictures of pretty flowers because you are swiftly losing cognitive ability
  9. Rethink agnostic position, identify strongly with Moses and co. wandering through the desert, beg God for sweet release
  10. Make it out of canyon + immediately get charlie horse in both legs at same time
  11. Black out? Get stuck in a fold in the fabric of time? See a vision of Neil Degrasse Tyson trying to explain time?
  12. Make it back to house, victorious and not at all sweaty/dying
  13. Drink the best beer of your life
  14. Be drunk the rest of the day and forever amen