Things I'd Rather Do With $511 Than Spend it on an Ultrasound of my Thyroid

Actual conversation with hospital receptionist... Me: "So... We pay for insurance. And then we help insurance pay for our procedures. And then we pay a fee for helping insurance pay for our procedures. That's the gist of it, yes?" Her: ".................yes."
  1. Light it on fire
    Yes it is, Heath. Yes. It is.
  2. Treat a friend to Applebee's 2 for $20
    25 times. "FINISH YOUR PASTA, GLADYS!"
  3. Buy 255 Powerball tickets
    And watch my chances of being struck by lightening skyrocket
  4. Treat myself to a one-way trip to Russia to live with these people:
    In Russia, your thyroid gets an ultrasound of you. (Seriously, in September you can get there from NYC for less than $400.)
  5. Put it towards my facial reconstruction surgery so that I can become Ron Swanson
    Isn't he glorious?
  6. Buy and eat 500 chocolate glazed donuts
    They're even better when they're microwaved. Argue with me about this. I dare you.
  7. Stuff it inside this dead bird I just found in my backyard
    That sucker slammed HARD into my bedroom window moments ago
  8. Fill up my gas tank 23 times
    Hooray for low oil prices
  9. Send 34 bags of dicks to big pharma
    Courtesy of
  10. Pay a Korean dude to eat a gallon of kimchi
    Actually I might do this anyway
  11. Buy 10 constellations and name them after hot-button issues
    "And if you look over here to the left, you'll see that 'Gun Control' is firing away tonight."
  12. Invest in various pyramid schemes
    Looking at you, essential oils
  13. Buy loads of Dulcolax and Lunesta and take them together
    No photo necessary. Let's celebrate imagination.
  14. Purchase life coach sessions from Charles Manson
    🎶Teach me how to Chuckie🎶
  15. Pay to resurrect the Cincinnati Gorilla
    Because justice.
  16. Fund a new 50 Cent album
    Only featuring songs about thyroids and medical bills. I feel like this will finally help him soar over Kanye.
  17. Buy a bidet
    Or possibly 2, depending on how fancy I wanna get
  18. Fund research to discover why the shower curtain tries to swallow me every morning
    Is it because of my thyroid? POSSIBLY! I'm at the hospital now, I'll flag someone down and ask them.
  19. Coat myself in ancient Egyptian honey and sacrifice myself to a bear
    *amend living will to leave $511 to bear and his family
  20. Start funding to catapult Bozo's presidential campaign
    Since we don't have enough clowns running for office this year