Things That Shouldn't Stop Being Snacks Just Because I'm Not 5
I feel like I've earned the right to entertain myself with my food because adulting is hard and snack-shaming is JUST CRUEL.
- •Apple slicesDirect quote from society: "Once out of elementary school, you will eat the apple whole or not at all." Why do people smirk at me when I pull an apple-corer out of my purse? People don't stop liking apple slices turned into race cars just because we get older. No, we are shamed into stifling joy, instead. I will not.
- •Ants on a logThis snack is delicious and I won't stop eating it (with chocolate chips instead of raisins because I'm 30 and can make that decision for myself.) Though now I mostly take the "log" and submerge it in a lake of spicy tomato juice and vodka.
- •Graham crackersApparently the only acceptable time to enjoy a graham cracker as an adult is when you're having s'mores. Well, since open flames are frowned upon in the office, I will eat these and not be judged.
- •Animal crackersWhen I worked for a call center in my mid twenties, I unashamedly kept this giant bear filled with deliciousness in a drawer in my desk. A drawer that locked. Because adults like animal crackers too, and adults are thieves. (Also, if you fill a gallon sized ziplock bag with milk chocolate chips, white chocolate chips, and peanut butter chips and mix 'em up real good, they taste great by the handful - especially with animal crackers.)
- •Teddy Grahams"And how old is your little one?" Women will smile and ask me as I reach for these delectable delights. "My dog is 6!" I cheerfully interject, before adding, "These are for me."
- •String cheeseIt's fun to peel. Like sunburns.
- •Fruit snacksWelch's says they're made with real fruit and that they're fat free. So clearly these are for adults who are obviously more conscious about these things than kids. As for me, I'm not above eating an entire box of Gushers in one sitting. Suggested by @marisajentz
- •Fruit by the FootThese absolutely make more sense as an adult snack. 12 inches of sugar and processed fruit does not sound like something suitable to offer a child before his math test. "Here, Gus. Slide this saccharine tape measure down your gullet. It'll be fine." But who doesn't remember wrapping these around your finger and sucking on them until your finger was dyed red? Happy times. Suggested by @juliaaa
- •GogurtYogurt on the go. I "go" way more now than I did as a young pup. That being said, I feel like there's only one appropriate way to eat Gogurt: suggestively. (See GIF.) Suggested by @sarahmccoy
- •Goldfish crackers"The snack that smiles back." Kids are already happier than they need to be. It's incredibly annoying. As an adult I need constant reminders that there are things to smile about... Especially if those things are cheesy and delicious, baked and never fried. They also make great pets. (Quoting Chandler Bing, "Eddie... THAT'S a goldfish CRACKER.") Suggested by @Boogie
- •Cotton Candy flavored thingsI'm convinced the only people who "outgrow" cotton candy and cotton candy flavored things are the same lunatics who say Twilight is better than Harry Potter (or who claim that Twilight is even literature to begin with.) Unrelated, but equally insane. Suggested by @Boogie
- •Chocolate MilkOH MY GOD CHOCOLATE MILK. The Hercules of breakfast/dessert drinks (less than alcohol, more than ANYTHING ELSE). I have on more than one occasion taken a midnight trip to Wal-Mart on a quest for chocolate milk (granted this was because my friend was buying it for her apartment, but I was drinking it with her.) I especially enjoy chocolate milk with chocolate chip pancakes and also chocolate cake. Because SCREW MODERATION. Suggested by @potterchels
- •SweeTartsWonka, you glorious SOB. Why should chocolate get all the credit? These sugary and slightly tangy little delicacies were a childhood movie-going delight. I still enjoy these at the movies, but now I buy multiple packages and smuggle them into the theater tucked into the waist of my pants. Because I have no shame. Suggested by @cordeliane