Rules: Pick five living women who represent, for lack of a better term, "your spirit animal" and could cast spells together. They may also worship one dead entity.
- •JANE FONDAHollywood tried to make Jane Fonda a disposable Mentadent pixy but she lowered her glance, snarled at your Barbarella poster, and decided she'd rather strike your dumb ass with lightning and sorcery every time she hit the silver screen. She has been so right, so wrong, and so unwilling to compromise with her critics. She once gave an Oscar speech in sign language for no reason. She is Jane Fonda, a pillar of grit, conscience, and sinew. She'll bring back the shag whenever she fucking wants.
- •JANE CURTINJane Curtin arrived at Studio 8H, did not smile for one fucking second at John Belushi's chauvinism and loud one-note comedy, and delivered you hardball jokes. She was there to work. Her hard-ass anchor tactics on Weekend Update gave Tina Fey the go-ahead to rule Earth in the early 2000s.
- •LEE GRANTBlacklisted, shafted, fucked over, and finally vindicated. Lee Grant took a beating from HUAC and casually started accruing Emmy and Oscar nominations until the moment came in '75 to pick up the gold boy. "We had a fight about twenty years ago," she deadpanned, motioning at her Oscar and referencing the cads who tried to ruin her career. "He's changed. I know I haven't." You done been throttled, Hollywood. By a woman whose bangs are harsher than your death sentence.
- •LESLEY ANN WARRENStraight-up Bambi-eyed in "Cinderella." Bawdy, Madonna-level nerve in "Victor/Victoria." Angry prostitute glamor in "Clue." Darling vocalist. Lithe dancer. One of the ultimate "black coffee actresses": She may not be your taste but whatever you like is probably just a weaker version.
- •IMANMy fifth spot rotates. Previous fifth-spotters in my coven: Cynthia Nixon, Leontyne Price, Fran Lebowitz, PJ Harvey, and Paula Poundstone. Iman is charming, somewhat willing to smile, and sinister as fuck when reading you to filth. She yelled at "Project Runway" contestants for calling goth fashion "trashy." She is 7'4 and keeps David Bowie in her compact. The fashion mogul from Mogadishu, mortals.
- •And my coven's spiritual godmother: GEORGE SANDGeorge Sand got up one day and said, "The 19th century is boring. Hmm. Maybe I should torpedo ball culture with my dandy-ass genderfuck game." So she did. Picked out a cane, scandalized losers, invented Madonna. Her thirst for Chopin? So Lucy-and-Schroeder.