- •Kristin Chenoweth will admit she is an Amy Sedaris character
- •Following the Tonys this week and LA gay pride next, homosexuality will be canceled for the rest of the month
- •Following a two-second lull in the ceremony, Neil Patrick Harris will burst through a wall and cry, "I'm here, don't worry, I've got this."
- •To help with ratings, the show will be retitled The ESPYs for Feelings.
- •Unbelievably talented people will win awards and then be relegated to supporting roles on ABC Family sitcoms.