EFFECTS OF HAVING WATCHED PIXAR'S "CARS" MORE THAN NECESSARY (GREATER THAN ONCE)

  1. Aggressive empathy for NASCAR fans that manifests itself in statements like "It's truly one of the last remaining American originals, like jazz, football, or Andy Rooney."
  2. Stinging realization that Andy Rooney has been dead for some time.
  3. Pixar's Cars characters only have one eye, with two pupils.
  4. My son knows the name "Lightning McQueen" and, even without context, believes that to be a perfectly decent name for a talking car.
  5. The Latino car with the fancy paint job and hydrolic chassis is pretty friggin racist.
  6. I mean do they have sex? Or is their society stitched together by some unseen, unknown GM factory where nameless faceless extras from the Pixar universe bolt and weld each car into an unnatural, pixelated creation.
  7. Scribbled note to myself on nightstand from 3am: "No headlights for famous cars. Pixar commentary on soulless celebrity LA?"
  8. Fatherhood is reinvigorating my arrested development. I'm prepared to admit I still love comics and cartoons.