ALL THE EXTRA CURSES GOD FORGOT TO MENTION WHEN HE PUNISHED EVE

He covered pain in childbirth and being "ruled over by your husband" (😒 okay sure, guy), but he might have warned us about these.
  1. Alright, Eve. I hate to do this, but you've brought this on yourself for listening to that darn snake. I curse you. I hope you've learned your lesson. Good day.
  2. Actually, hold on. I want to make sure you know what I mean when I say this. Let me just clarify:
  3. Now I know I mentioned pain in childbirth, but I think...did I mention death in childbirth? That'll be big. For a really long time. Most of human history tbh. Have I buried the lede here? I apologize.
  4. And being "ruled over by your husband" is more than likely going to end up meaning...having to live with the constant threat of physical, sexual, and psychological menace at the hands of men both individually and at an institutionalized societal level for your entire life. ...sorry.
  5. But hey, those are the main ones. Otherwise you're in the clear!
  6. Well, when I say "in the clear"...
  7. Come to think of it, I'm remembering a few more. You may want to write these down.
  8. All media will be saturated with phallic language and imagery, the grotesque fulfillment of male desire, and lazy dick jokes. But if you ever try to mention the word vagina, even in an anatomical or medical context, you gon' get bleeped. #shrug
  9. You'll be expected to construct your entire life and identity around having kids. But also never remind anyone you've had sex or enjoy sex. And don't breastfeed in public bc men don't want to be reminded that boobs aren't just for sex. Basically always be a virgin but good at sex and deal with your kids secretly and never do anything else, kthx.
  10. Everything associated with you is going to be called weak and stupid. Sorry 'bout it.
  11. There's gonna be a lot of pressure for you to practice some form of hair removal, despite the fact that you're a mammal. That's gonna result in some ingrowns at some point. I recommend Tweezerman.
    (You can tell they're good tweezers bc they've got the word "man" in the name. Remember, "man" is synonymous with strength. And "woman" - well, you remember.)
  12. Actually, on that note, you're gonna have one place around your ankles that's really hard to shave without cutting yourself and bleeding like a geyser. You'll have one long weird hair there forever. Deal with it.
  13. More likely than not you'll have uneven boobs, which is very common (mea culpa), but you'll be shown so many images of photoshopped models and actresses growing up that you'll prob grow up with a complex about it. Overcoming that might be tough, but with any luck you'll find someone to love you who has two different sized hands. Fingers crossed!
  14. If you don't end up with the boobs complex, there are a slew of others you might get. Weight will be pretty common. Or maybe you'll be super self-conscious about not having delicate enough features? It'll help if you're white, but, for the love of Me, it'll still be pretty awful.
  15. Once in a while you'll have days where you just uncontrollably shotgun queef every time you sit or stand. Like your vagina is gargling mouthwash. You'll have to learn a good face for masking this. Also, I think this goes without saying, but NEVER talk about this in public. Or in private. Why would you even contemplate doing that, you monster?
  16. This one seems little but it's actually a doozy: a lot of your clothes won't have pockets. You'll more than likely have to carry a purse or handbag of some kind.
  17. Those clothes without pockets and the handbag will cost significantly more than any clothes or bags marketed toward men. Really any product marketed to you will cost a lot more than the same product for men. Which is cool, bc did I mention you're gonna get paid significantly less? For the same work? Go figure.
  18. You're going to have to pay for tampons and junk. Don't ask me any more about it. I don't know, that stuff is gross. Just suck it up and buy them or else crawl away into a hole until your moon time is up and don't let any man see you. It's on you if he tries to have sex with you while you're disgusting.
  19. Be prepared to nod along to a lot of men who will talk to you like you're stupid and you don't know what you're talking about even though 9 times out of 10 you know more about it than they do. You have to be prepared to nod bc again with that threat of menace! Get outta here, menace. It's like Grimace from McDonalds but less fun.