BAN MINIONS

The following is a blistering screed against minions, specifically the minions ride at Universal Studios. If you are a fan of minions, please do yourself a favor and do not read. Then do the rest of us a favor and LEAVE EARTH YOU WHITE DEVIL!! // I dedicate this list to @franksars , whose abhorrence of minions is my inspiration and guiding light.
  1. These are minions. I'm sure you already knew that. You live in the nightmarish now as well as I.
  2. This is a real photograph of a giant inflatable minion that got free of its bearings and terrorized a thoroughfare in Dublin, causing major traffic delays and general mayhem.
    Is this not the most apocalyptic image you've ever seen in your life?
  3. These hideous eyesores are ubiquitous. They have been merchandised to death. They are on backpacks, lunch boxes, pillows, blankets, hats, stuffed animals, and every other product imaginable.
    Including this sexy minion Halloween costume. Goodbye cruel world:
  4. Minions were even featured during the Academy Awards this year.
    For another year running the Academy stubbornly refused to nominate any actual people of color, yet they allowed the ceremony to be corrupted by minions. Boycott everything.
  5. But the worst and eeriest manifestation of minions, and I do not say that lightly, is the minions ride at Universal Studios.
  6. Allow me to take you through what Universal's website describes as a "heartwarming and hilarious 3-D ride."
  7. Minion Mayhem is one of those motion simulator rides where you wear 3-D glasses while facing a giant screen.
  8. The conceit is that you'll be turned into a minion for the day.
  9. Now, obviously, the entire concept of minions intentionally stinks of stale uniformity and conformism - the sacrifice of the individual and subjection to the hive mind. To be a minion is to be servile and subordinate. Minions lack autonomy and the ability to think for themselves.
  10. So of course it's the dream of any thinking consumer to become a minion. Naturally.
  11. While the idea of being transformed into a minion is haunting enough, the ride cashes in even further on the dystopic element by inundating you with vaguely fascist propaganda-style imagery while you stand in line.
  12. Along the way, there are paintings of minion families in front of identical houses with captions like "it's good to be a minion" - halcyon images to infect your unconscious mind with hidden evils.
  13. Again, I want to underscore how reminiscent these images are of historical propaganda, particularly from the 40s and 50s
    This one is obviously imitative of the famous Uncle Sam "I Want You" WW2 recruitment poster.
  14. Look at the lettering. The colors. The position of the hand.
  15. This is a Nazi propaganda image of a happy family, flourishing under Hitler's Reich. Does the tone seem similar to that of the minions propaganda?
    I don't think it's too much of a stretch to compare the primacy of Aryan uniformity in appearance to the unsettling sameness of minions.
  16. Are you still unconvinced? Read on.
  17. As you approach the front of the line, you are herded into a building fashioned as a sort of underground bunker with steel doors and hatches. We are meant to assume this is because we are entering a secret underground lab, but considering the unsettling propagandist imagery in the line, the effect is far more sinister.
  18. Finally you reach the front of the line. You walk through the turnstiles into another room, when all of a sudden...
  19. THE STEEL DOORS SWING SHUT WITH AN AUTOMATED RUSH OF AIR, AND YOU ARE LOCKED INSIDE.
  20. There is no turning back now.
  21. You are going to become a minion.
  22. An introductory video plays on a screen in the front. The voice of Steve Carell explains how you are going to be transformed into a minion.
  23. The characters on screen accidentally mix up a freeze gun with a fart gun!
  24. But wait. To demonstrate the interactive fun of this ride...
  25. THEY SPRAY YOU WITH "FART GAS"
  26. WHILE YOU'RE LOCKED IN A STEEL CHAMBER
  27. ON YOUR WAY TO BE TRANSFORMED INTO A MINION
  28. AFTER BEING FLOODED WITH PROPAGANDIST IMAGES.
  29. Once again:
  30. Gassed. In a locked chamber.
  31. Are you unsettled yet??
  32. Or are you still unconvinced?
  33. Still skeptical of the connection between minions and fascist ideology?
  34. I rest my case.