"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" John Mulaney recently took this dumb sexist adage apart from the farmer's perspective, but here are a few thoughts from the cow's point of view.
  1. First of all, women are not cows. Let's get that out of the way right up top.
  2. But for the sake of argument, sure. I'll buy into this analogy. I'm a cow.
  3. I'm a cow, and some farmers are getting my milk for free. Now they won't buy me. Conundrum.
  4. Well hold on. Is milk the only benefit of owning a cow? Who's to say I don't have more to offer a farmer than milk? Maybe I'm a good listener. I'm a hard worker. You don't know me.
  5. How many other cows does this farmer have? Is this a small scale farmer? He'll probably be bought out in a few years.
  6. If he gets bought out, that's bad news. Most of our food production is done by giant conglomerates. We all know factory farms abuse their animals.
  7. Not to mention, I'm a diary cow, so any modern farmer is likely to keep me perpetually pregnant so that I'm constantly lactating, like a damn milk machine.
  8. Being bought sounds awful.
  9. And if I'm a cow, why am I to blame if the milk is free? As a cow, am I in charge of the distribution of my own milk? I'm a free cow with no farmer?
  10. Well alright then. That's not too shabby.
  11. I must be a highly intelligent cow in this analogous world to be responsible for my own product.
  12. But if we follow the logic of the analogy further, then milk is sex.
  13. If I'm a high functioning independent cow who's entirely to blame for giving her milk, HER MOST VALUABLE ASSET, away for free, then wouldn't the most logical conclusion be not to sell myself to a farmer but to sell the milk and keep the profits for myself? Maybe buy myself a nice bell?
  14. So "why buy the cow" actually sort of encourages sex work.
  15. Not marriage.
  16. Maybe the next time someone uses this antiquated and wrongheaded adage, you can point that out to them.