HOW TO SURVIVE THE HOLIDAYS AS A LAPSED MORMON AT HOME WITH YOUR DEVOUT FAMILY
Fun and easy tips for navigating the awkwardness of a religious schism!
- •Try to swap out your mom's Susan Boyle Christmas CD with The Book of Mormon Musical Soundtrack.Skip to "Spooky Mormon Hell Dream" and just see if anyone notices.
- •Make a joke about your dad's recent outpatient surgery that puns the words prostate and apostate."We're not so different, you and I. Both kept awake through long, sleepless nights - you, by an unceasing urge to urinate; I, by a creeping and horrible realization that the religion you taught me made me feel like a guilty hypocrite. Haha, if only mine could've been shrunk with a laser!"
- •When an uncle asks you why you're still not married at 24 and jokingly/not-so-jokingly calls you an old maid, laugh along!Lean into it, you old spinster! Embrace the title of old maid, but insist that you prefer the terms "redundant woman" and "involuntary nun."
- •If and when it comes out that your parents are Trump supporters, insist on punctuating every tense political conversation with shrill mouth trumpeting."That's the sound of ignorance and bigotry, dad. I'll stop when Trump crawls back into his gilded hole and keeps his forked tongue behind his teeth."
- •Quietly volunteer to wrap all presents to give your mom a break. Label them all normally, except for your own (To: THE PRODIGAL CHILD // From: Santa). On Christmas morning, turn to the nearest sibling and feign shocked confusion."Uh...hey w-what does yours say? LOL jk now where's that fatted calf?"
- •Do your best to bear up when your dad makes the whole family kneel and pray together every night for 10 minutes. You're not used to kneeling for this long...OR MAYBE YOU ARE HEYOOO 😉😘😏You're not. See above re: involuntary nun.
- •Powwow with your other inactive siblings and compare sins.Drinking? Swearing? Having sex? Aw you got a tattoo?? Fine, you win.
- •Smile anyway.It's just nice to be home.