LESSONS I WISH I'D JUST FUCKING LEARN ALREADY

Motherly advice shouted to me from me for my own benefit. If only I would listen.
  1. Don't pick your zitsssss!
    WHY DO YOU STILL DO THIS? WHAT IS YOUR COMPULSION? STOPPp
  2. Don't put things off!
    IT NEVER HELPS. YOU KNOW THIS. IT ALWAYS GETS YOU INTO TROUBLE. WHY IS THIS YOUR INSTINCT?
  3. Don't look at screens before bed!
    YOU ARE AN ADDICT. JUST PUT YOUR PHONE DOWN FOR 5 MINUTES WITHOUT PICKING IT UP AGAIN. PLEASE.
  4. Don't park in the 2hr parking spaces for longer than two hours even though they usually don't ticket you!
    AT SOME POINT THEY ALWAYS DO! THEY LULL YOU INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY TO TRICK YOU, AND YOU END UP PAYING PARKING TICKETS SO OFTEN YOU PROBABLY SINGLEHANDEDLY FUND A GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEE'S SALARY. YOU'RE WELCOME, CARL.
  5. Don't eat so much bread!
    YOU ALWAYS ACT LIKE YOU'RE GOING TO CUT DOWN ON CARBS AND THEN YOU EAT LIKE A WHOLE LOAF OF BREAD AND A BOWL OF PASTA. WHY ARE YOU THIS WAY?
  6. Don't eat so much sugar!
    YOU ARE AN ADDICT. DIABETES RUNS IN YOUR FAMILY. DO YOU WANT TO LOSE A FOOT? GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF.
  7. Don't let men corner you in conversation!!
    LEARN HOW TO EXCUSE YOURSELF. DO IT QUICKLY. YOU DON'T OWE THESE MEN YOUR TIME OR ATTENTION. YOU DON'T HAVE TO NOD ALONG FOR HALF AN HOUR. YOU CAN LEAVE.
  8. Don't say yes to everything in the moment just bc people ask!
    SOMETIMES PEOPLE ASK YOU FOR HELP, AND YOU ARE TOO POLITE TO SAY NO. YOU CAN SAY NO. AND IF YOU CAN'T SAY NO IN PERSON, YOU AT LEAST DON'T HAVE TO SAY YES. SAY YOU'LL THINK ABOUT IT AND THEN CALL OR TEXT THAT YOU DON'T THINK YOU CAN.
  9. Don't slouch!
    YOUR POSTURE IS TERRIBLE. EVERY TIME YOU CONSCIOUSLY CORRECT IT, PEOPLE COMPLIMENT YOU ON IT. WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO THIS ALL THE TIME?
  10. Don't throw your clothes on the floor!
    ARE YOU AN ANIMAL? PUT YOUR CLOTHES AWAY LIKE AN ADULT. YOU KNOW A MESSY ROOM CONTRIBUTES TO YOUR ANXIETY.
  11. Don't watch TV shows you don't like just bc everyone else does!
    YOU COULD BE WRITING. OR READING. OR EXERCISING OR VOLUNTEERING OR DRAWING OR SLEEPING OR ANY NUMBER OF THINGS. LEARN TO SPEND YOUR TIME MORE WISELY. YOU DON'T HAVE TO TALK ABOUT TRUE DETECTIVE TO MAINTAIN YOUR FRIENDSHIPS.