REASONS I HAVE CALLED IT AFTER THE SECOND DATE

  1. He kissed me and apologized for how bad it was.
    An awkward clacking of teeth and then "I promise it will be better next time." Mmm no...
  2. He talked with his feet.
    Leaned back on his palms and gestured with his feet as he spoke the way we non-hobbits do with our hands.
  3. He leaned out of the car and I saw his buttcrack.
    This one's pretty cut and dried. I should never see your crack as you parallel park. I just shouldn't. I don't know why I even have to say this.
  4. He bragged about the mega hot blasian girl he hooked up with last.
    Look, I'm not some killjoy who can't appreciate how exciting it is to hook up with a mega hot blasian girl. But I do think it's a pretty gross mind trick to bring it up on a date to get ME to hook up with you.
  5. He gave me strep throat (twice)
    And then later I found out he made a skateboarding video with his friends called "Smegma"
  6. He offered to let me move in with him.
    Too much too fast.
  7. He played with the Freemasons ring on his pinky the whole time.
    And he was dressed like Night at the Roxbury