THINGS I DO AT PARTIES (ALTERNATIVELY, WHY I DON'T GO TO PARTIES)

  1. Scan for hot boys and be equal parts relieved/disappointed when there aren't any
  2. Ruminate aloud on the etymology of a word I just used
  3. Complain about being cold
  4. Say "I'm fun, right?"
  5. Get sucked into an argument with the guy who claims women aren't as funny as men
  6. Request "Shoop" and do the entire rap
  7. Hover jealously near the chips and guac
  8. Think about the TV shows I'm going to watch when I go home