WAYS TO TELL I'M A NANNY, NOT A PARENT
- •I'm far too young and hip to have kids this old.I know all the cool Hollywood parents are keeping it young and fresh these days, but I would have to have gotten pregnant when I was like 17 in order for these to be my kids. Do I look like I was having sex at 17?? If so, thank you, but no, this veneer of sexy mystery and chicness is relatively new.
- •When a child starts crying, I don't immediately look up and run over with concern.Trying to List here, kid. Could you maybe cry elsewhere? I can't concentrate.
- •When I do look up, I make sure it's not one of mine and think, ehhh someone else will deal with this.A real parent is a parent to everyone's kids. A nanny is not.
- •A child under my care once said, "I am a pile of trash cans." I laughed and said, "Cool, buddy. It's good to know yourself."I help kids reach a perfect self-awareness.
- •I drive a "college car."Those are the words of the mother who employs me. Kinda rude, but I like to think of it as a poor man's Porsche. A Poorsche, if you will.
- •One time the two boys I nanny for were scared to go upstairs in the dark by themselves. "Boys, there's nothing to be afraid of!" I said. "There's nobody here but you guys, me, and Charles, the murderer."Teach your children about dark humor and deadpan delivery early and this kind of joke won't make them shit their pants! These guys did though.
- •My boobs are still perky.This according to the other kids' moms, who were talking about how much they hate different parts of their bodies after school the other day. You know, the kind of healthy conversation you want kids to listen to and model their own attitudes after.
- •When anyone refers to me as "mom", I wince just slightly."Mom, did you want to get these guys a soda too?" asks the cashier at the In N Out. "My name is Lindsey, and no I would not."