THINGS ON MY CHRISTMAS LIST NOW THAT I'VE MOVED OUT OF MY PARENTS HOUSE

First on the list: a time machine to go back and convince myself to never ever leave a place where I didn't have to pay to do laundry
  1. One (1) two pack of those expensive swirly light bulbs because I heard they'll make my electric bill go down at least 30 cents a week.
    At the end of the fiscal year I'll have enough to purchase one (1) low end craft beer
  2. One (1) frozen pan of mom's lasagna
    serving size: the whole of Scandinavia
  3. One (1) guide on how to break it to white people that we cannot and should not try pull off dreads
    noted exception: the guy at my (yes, my) liquor store who smells like garlic salt in a good way. He and his dreaded-up man bun mean well, I'm sure.
  4. However many you are supposed to have (?) utensils that didn't come from the camping section of LL Bean
  5. A way to make vegetables last as long as it takes for me to remember I should eat them
  6. A wearable sandwich board that lets servers know right when I enter a restaurant that I'm that piece of crap person who is going to ask if they source their fish from companies with population sustainability and stability in mind. I know. I hate me too.
  7. An app that reminds me that confronting my ELEPHANT HERD OF AN UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR is a wholly bad idea
    "Simba, all that the light touches, that is ours to decorate with clearance throw pillows and pictures from college we really shouldn't hang up anymore but WHATEVER MOM. But what about that shadowy place? Where the upstairs neighbor lets her bike tire clunk on every.single.step when she brings the damn thing past my door? We must never go there."
  8. Dental insurance