A HASTILY THOUGHT-OUT STRATEGY FOR SOLVING THE OREGON "MILITIA" STAND-OFF
if you forgot snacks you don't qualify as a militia
- •turn off the wateryou've got how many dudes in a small visitor center? let's see what happens when they can't flush their poop anymore.
- •turn off the powereventually they will run out of battery on all their devices and they won't be able to entertain themselves by playing candy crush and getting attention on their little treasonous message boards. also they won't be able to call in snack reinforcements.
- •park like three amazing food trucks in full view of their windows, just behind the law enforcement vehicles.nothing featuring any kind of cuisine ethnically derived from a culture that a racist Trump voter would be threatened by. just like, fried mac and cheese or whatever foods yahoos who misread the constitution eat.
- •put up a giant festival-sized tower of speakers and, as loud as possible, play It's A Small World After All on permanent repeat with snippets of Fran Drescher's laugh from the Nanny interspersed at random.
- •put up a sign that says "we're not going to let you die a martyr, and we don't mind arresting you once you're frail from dehydration and covered in poop. we'll wait."
- •put up a second sign that says "immunity and free Larry the Cable Guy tickets to whichever of you waits for everyone else to be asleep and opens the door for us."
- •then, eat donuts on a couch behind bullet proof shield and chill.
- •they'll last three days, tops.