AIN'T HAPPENIN

nope
  1. you think you can be behind me in line and the next cash register opens at whole foods and she says "next in line" and you think you'll beat me there
    I am not afraid of shit-glaring you as I cut you off, no matter how much quinoa is in your basket
  2. you try and tell me whataburger or some other wackass fast food joint is better then in n out.
    lolwut
  3. you go the wrong direction in Costco and expect me to stop my cart for you
    I am not opposed to bumper carts
  4. you want Starbucks
    😑
  5. you look me dead in the eyes and hint at a discount because you "know the Meekers real well"
    hi
  6. you try and take the entire arm rest on a plane seat
    heathen
  7. you low hole me right above the bucket I've been fishing down to for 20 minutes.
    I will talk shit to you and you deserve it
  8. you try and tell me some fairy tale bullshit about native yeast or biodynamic farming when you've never farmed or fermented before.
    go shove some dandelions in a red deer bladder you weirdo
  9. you knock on my door and ask me to buy magazines
    you mean like on the internet? "no" oh. no.
  10. you park blocking even six inches of my driveway.
    Petaluma cops feel my pain on this and they will roll on you
  11. you try and tell me corks age better than screw caps
    you poor bastard, you're going to be so bored and regretful when I'm done talking in 23-27 minutes
  12. you think jelly donuts are better than raised, cake, or pretty much any other kind of donut
    they're not even donuts they're just pies at this point