NAMES OF THINGS THAT SHOULD ACTUALLY BE THE NAME OF A DIFFERENT THING, VOL. 3

  1. Bebe: an existentialist bookstore
  2. Windex: an easily browsable database of all the times you've won a recreational or competitive event, with quick statistics and a rating of how smug you were about it.
  3. Amazon Prime: Optimus Prime's really exceptionally tall female offspring
  4. or
  5. Amazon Prime: the standard interest rate for all lending in the Amazon basin
  6. or
  7. Amazon Prime: the ecological theory that at any given time the number of trees in the Amazon rainforest is only divisible by one and itself
  8. Paleo Diet: A futuristic cult/religion based on the fictional work of Leonardo DiCaprio and paying him for diet analysis sessions in which he scoffs at gluten based foods.
  9. neighbor: a horse that lives nearby
  10. airbnb: a magical bed and breakfast floating in the sky
  11. drywall: building material that is *not* easily water damaged
  12. Express Men: An incredibly rapid male stripper delivery service
  13. Macy's: aerosolized self defense product superstore
  14. Fitbit: A piece of magic that automatically makes all of your Tupperware stack cleanly and entirely in your designated drawer and/or cabinet.