NAMES OF THINGS THAT SHOULD ACTUALLY BE THE NAME OF A DIFFERENT THING, VOL. 4

  1. Bundt Cake: a cake that you make and immediately sacrificially throw away in the hopes that it will help you bake a better cake faster.
  2. Reebok: the proper response to an argumentative chicken
  3. Bed/Stuy: a filthy sloppy neighborhood of incredibly low quality motels
  4. Python: a marathon of pie eating
  5. Chevron: Ron Burgundy's Goat Creamery
  6. Toilet: a children's toy leasing company
  7. Dyson: a multi-generational tye dye vendor
  8. Escalator: a procrastinated salad of bitter greens
  9. Advil: the right sidebar of Facebook
  10. Ted Cruz: a bunch of rich people with laissez-faire attitudes go on a $10,000 boat ride to hear 10 minute presentations from people who are really into themselves and the word "disruptive"
  11. Spandex: Small bridges meant to connect back patios.
  12. Chicago: a vaguely sexist way of referring to the time period in which you were dating the woman before the woman you're dating now.
  13. Claustrophobia: the fear of being abducted by Santa
  14. Transmission: when transgender folk go to churches in the Bible Belt and spend time with the local people in order to save them from their bigoted ways
  15. Diploma: the award given to somebody who wins a Limbo contest