1. when that gift is actually a criticism
    unless it was on somebody's list, buying them a case of slim fast or extra strength anti-perspirant is not really part of the giving spirit, bro.
  2. the "where are you?!" phone call when you've already driven multiple hours of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day to make it to multiple different family events
    even Santa doesn't get up this early on Christmas, bro.
  3. skipping one of the latke toppings because you don't like it.
    I don't care if you don't "get" apple sauce or sour cream on latkes, bro. even us goyim know that's messed up.
  4. asking for the same gift two years in a row because you forgot somebody got it for you the previous year.
    you clearly loved it so much.
  5. whining about a gift.
    never, bro. even if it is a case of slim fast. wait a day, politely ask for return info.
  6. "do you need a gift box?"
    nah bro, even though I'm 6'3" and male, I am definitely buying this size M sweater in an Ann Taylor LOFT store on December 20 for myself.
  7. "gift boxes are $2 each"
    yo, Saks, literally the only reason I put shoes on and bought this shit in store is so you would fold it neatly for me and wrap it in tissue and give me a gift box, otherwise I would've bought it on my phone while commando in my pajamas.
  8. outlet mall traffic
    dear freeway driving bros, the outlet mall is there every season of the year. stop looking at it and drive.
  9. seasonal employees at department stores
    listen bros and broettes I'm sure you're great people but if it's going to take you 15 minutes to return one item just tell me to go to the register station with the woman who as worked at Macy's since Bay of Pigs, ight?
  10. "war on Christmas" warmongering
    yeah, white Christian middle class bros, you're definitely being persecuted. take that shit to the top.
  11. "keep the Christ in Christmas"
    literally nothing anybody actually likes about Christmas has anything to do with baby Jesus. Christ was never in Christmas to begin with, bro. the Vatican's marketing department has just been on point like forever.
  12. making jokes about Santa's alleged non-existence in front of kids.
    I believe bro, and if you try and make a joke about it in front of a child I will pull up NORAD's Santa Tracker and ask you if you want to argue with the dudes who run our missile defense system.
  13. not listening to Mannheim Steamroller
    Carol of the Bells is non-denominational, bro.