WAYS TO FUCK UP YOUR JOB AS AN ARTISAN/SMALL BATCH HUMMUS MANUFACTURER

I bought $6 hummus today that was fucking terrible and now I'm lashing out inappropriately.
  1. Price too high.
    I'm literally offended if you try and charge me $7 for a half pint of chickpeas.
  2. Fail to deliver on your flavor promise.
    I just bought some artisan hummus of the flavor "Spicy Avocado". Not only was there absolutely zero evidence of avocado inclusion (flavor, color, giant seed, etc), but it wasn't spicy at all. Don't do that.
  3. Overly-optimistic brand name.
    There is no way you can deliver hummus good enough to justify the brand name of "Joy Love Hummus Co." (made up but you get it). The best local hummus around me? The Hummus Guy. #nailedit
  4. Unnecessary marketing claims.
    Gluten free, vegan, kosher, etc. It's hummus, all of this is implied. Sure, list it next to the ingredients, but if you're advertising that your hummus is vegan in size 48 font I'm wondering if you know what hummus is.
  5. Stupid flavors.
    Roasted red pepper? Garlic and chive? Jalapeño? Good, great, grand, wonderful. Cheddar Truffle? Just stop. Related: Lemon & Garlic is not a hummus *flavor*, that is just hummus. No other words added. Hummus has garlic and lemon in it. Don't presume I'm a knuckle dragging ignoramus, just call it "hummus" or "plain".
  6. Not enough lemon juice.
    Like, fuck, have you had hummus before?
  7. Wacky pricing method.
    If I have to pay for it by the pound instead of a fixed price, gfy. You're the one making the hummus, you're that concerned that you might accidentally give somebody 23 g too much hummus? What is it, studded with gold nuggets? You should weigh it when you portion it. That's your fucking job as the hummus packer. It's made of legumes, not an endangered sea creature.
  8. Salt.
    Use it, por favor.
  9. Lack of tahini.
    Hummus has 6 ingredients, and you're skipping one? The hardest part of your job is finding tahini to add to your hummus (which is not hard), don't give up because you're lazy.
  10. Wistful bullshit.
    If your packaging has a half paragraph about how hummus is reminiscent of the siege of Troy or some other strained metaphor, we're done forever. You put chickpeas in a Cuisinart, hopefully with tahini, you're not a goddamn poet.