WONDERINGS TODAY AS I TURN 30

  1. we don't have a lawn. can I still tell those young punks to get off of my lawn?
  2. is it okay for me to tell the 22 year old cashiers at Whole Foods stories that start with "back in my day..."?
  3. when I realize those cashiers never watched Saved by the Bell can I mutter "Jesus fucking Christ.." under my breath?
  4. will my winery customers stop saying "AWWW YOU'RE SOOO YOUNG" when they find out how old I am?
  5. is it okay now that my musical tastes are frozen in time circa 2001-2009?
    also does being thirty mean I have to listen to .38 special?
  6. when do I get to buy a midlife crisis car? and does it *have* to be a slow Porsche convertible? can it at least be a fast Porsche or something else entirely?
  7. when do I have to start playing golf? I have to play golf right? I don't really know the rules on this.
  8. at what point does my In N Out order have to scale back to a reasonable portion for an adult and not a hormonal teenager?
  9. I think I have to burn my non-hiking cargo shorts. I mean, I knew better at 25 so it's not a huge loss.
  10. wait, being 30 means I donate stuff to Goodwill, not burn it for fun, doesn't it?
  11. shit. I liked 29.