VOICEMAILS MY PARENTS HAVE LEFT ME

  1. "Lucy. You're probably asleep. Wake up and teach me twitter.
    Dad. It was 2 pm.
  2. "Lucy, cousin Tracy just found out we carry a gene for cystic fibrosis. You need to tell anyone you're having sex with because if they're carriers too you're babies might have it."
    Mom. Also no, not going to do that.
  3. "Hey Liam, what should we get Lucy for her birthday?"
    Mom. Called the wrong kid.
  4. "Lucy, mom and I are at a party. All the husbands are putting their wives dresses on. I don't want to so I'm hiding in the laundry room. Can you call and pretend you're having a panic attack?"
    Dad. I don't even know what to do with this one.
  5. "LUCY I'M IN LAS VEGAS AT TAO NIGHT CLUB. THERE ARE NAKED GIRLS IN BATH TUBS. I ORDERED BOTTLE SERVICE. I'M GONNA GO FIND A KARDASHIAN!"
    Mom. Confirming my long standing suspicion that she's cooler than me.
  6. "Lucy. You need to change your flight. You can't come home on the 10th, mom won't be here."
    Dad. After I had texted, emailed, and told him over the phone I was coming home on the 14th.
  7. "I saw your text about being hungover. Man up and stop being such a baby."
    Mom. She was right.
  8. "Need ideas for a family vacation this summer! Well, not really family just me and mom. Well Liam too cause he'll be home. And I guess the dogs. Let me know if you have ideas!"
    Dad. Cool so basically everyone but me?
  9. "Why aren't you answering? Did you get mugged? Oh god did you get mugged? CALL ME!"
    Mom. And no I didn't. It was 1:30 am my time. On a Monday. I was sleeping.
  10. "Luc I'm with Casey and we have a great idea for a sketch. Call us."
    Mom. Their idea was book club but you find out no one actually read the book.
  11. "Sucy! We love and we are proud of you-" "WE'RE DRUNK"
    Both. Forever saved, and played whenever I'm homesick.