Real Things I Do When I Want You to Leave My House
These "horrible host" behaviors are reserved for persons who are barely invited to my house to begin with and then overstay their welcome so hard it almost seems like we're on a reality show about it. Fine. Time to start making you wonder why you even came over here.
- •Nasal DouchingI wait until you sniffle or sneeze and ask if you've ever used a Neti Pot, hoping you'll say no. Then I pull one out and insist on demonstrating how to use it and have you watch me. Then I make you do it - for your health - and stand there to supervise you doing the whole thing. Neti Pot-ing is such a deeply boring and private event that it reminds you of the value of solitude. You could be doing so many things right now away from the judgment of your Host.
- •Human Centipede MarathonWorse than when someone attempts to unironically "Netflix & Chill" with you is when they try to con you into watching a scary movie so they can "hold you when you're scared." I will not be scared into snuggles. So, I turn on The Human Centipede while saying "I heard this movie is CRAZY" and then become so absorbed in the movie that it becomes clear that not only am I not scared, but I am actually inspired. Work through the trilogy until my guest is nauseated or feeling unsafe.
- •Talk Sh*t About RadioheadProbably the only thing more bewildering than being preached at about the genius of Radiohead is receiving a lecture about how "overrated" Radiohead are when you, the guest, are actually completely ambivalent. It feels kind of like when your two friends (who broke up last year) fight every time you all get together, but everyone knows they're dying to get-it-on in the bathroom. Just kiss already! And leave us out of it!
- •Please go home and unfriend me on FacebookLeave me to build my neti-pot-centipede in peace ✌️