How to make your baby’s LinkedIn Profile really *POP*!

Look, we’re all thinking it, so I might as well come out and say it; Your baby’s LinkedIn Profile is weak. Veeery weak. Between experiencing everything that this wonderful, chaotic world has to offer and shitting themself, the little scamp has hardly had a moment to bolster up his  work experience. Frankly, it's a little embarrassing. Fix it.
  1. 1. Name your baby after a job-appropriate quality they possess.
    Bit of a no-brainer here, but you would be amazed how many parents are still calling their kids names like ‘’James’’ or ‘’Veronica’’ when eye-catching names like ‘’Goal-Orientasia’’ or ‘’Efficient Lad’’ are on the table. No employer will openly admit this but ‘’NetProfit-Anne’’ beats ‘’Carlos’’ every  time.
  2. 2. Train your baby in unarmed and/or close range combat.
    If there’s one word on every employer’s lips in 2016, it’s ‘’gladiatorial.’’ Honestly, if some punk baby bumbles his/her way into my office and doesn’t know at least the basics of Krav Maga or Capoeira, then don’t expect a second interview.
  3. 3. Do not, under any circumstances, draw attention to the fact that they are a baby.
    With all the progress we have made in the workplace since the 50’s, there is still no accounting for close-mindedness and ageism on the employer’s side of things. In an ideal world, babies would be  given the same employment opportunities that any fully grown human would receive, but we just aren’t there yet. Until that day, it’s a good idea to get rid of that Ultrasound profile pic and hide any evidence that your baby is indeed a baby. 
  4. 4. Lie…a lot.
    Ok, hands up anyone here who has never told a little white lie on their LinkedIn Profile. Be honest! Yeah, that’s what I thought. We’ve all done it, so why not help your baby pad out those stats a little. That time they got sick on Elon Musk’s cousin? 6-month internship with Tesla! Their entire 9-month gestation period? Career break to teach English in Japan! Tendency to throw food across the room? Passionate about perfection!
  5. 5. Draw a moustache on your baby, regardless of gender.
    DUH!!!