Spiders ranked in order of how much dignity they relieve me of.
8 legged bastard-pricks that hate ease and love distress
- •The Corner-DwellersA peaceful sort, willing to co-habit with humans without rocking the boat. I feel sorry for these guys that get bad names from the more extreme branches of Arachnism.
- •Ceiling-HuggersThe ornery children of Spiderville. Once a promising young Corner-Dweller, these angsty teens venture into no-man's land, just begging me to expose my savage, beastly nature by having me fetch the vacuum cleaner despite already being in my jamies. An uneventful evening can quickly turn into a cold-war-esque period of tense détente as soon as the demilitarised zone of open ceiling is entered.
- •The Slow-jammersLanguid, methodical, purposeful. These words spring to mind when I see a spider taking it's sweet, horrifying time in traversing the bedroom wall. A master of the dying arts of parsimony and sprezzatura, these creeps waste no energy that doesn't involve weaving their spindly realms of terror. Psychopaths.
- •Merchants of SpeedSomething within these heedless berserkers is fundamentally broken. They lack any kind of control and know only that speed is paramount. In an open plain, they are ineffective, but in enclosed spaces, they can evoke the panic and frenzy that once caused me to kick my laptop screen by accident.
- •Jumpy fuckersDear Jumping Spiders, Eat a dick. Eat a smørgasbord of dicks. Eat an ungarnished all-you-can-eat buffet of sullied dick at your earliest convenience. Regards, My desire not to shred my vocal chords with high-pitched screeching.
- •The Blind Harbinger of ChaosA blind spider holds no fear. A blind spider knows not of the old rules of engagement. A blind spider will amble across your eyelids with thoughtless abandon. There is no reasoning with them. Retreat is the only recourse.