Things I Loved as a Child That I Hate as an Adult
- •Santa ClausYou are a big phony - not even real.
- •Ring BolognaUgh
- •Underwood Devilled HamRegurgitated ham in a can. How did I ever eat this stuff?
- •Pixie StixAll that sugar makes my teeth ache. Plus, alcohol is a better sop to hurt feelings than a tube of colored sugar.
- •WinterWas once fun because it involved snow days, sledding, making snowmen, etc. Now it's just cold, snow, slush, and driving in crap weather.
- •Wearing pantyhose to feel grownup and sophisticatedIt used to be that pantyhose were chic and stylish and said "I'm a grown up female who's 9 years old". Now, wearing pantyhose is just plain uncomfortable and boring.
- •Jimmy Osmond, Leif Garrett, Shaun CassidyAlthough they do not qualify as things, I did love them with all the passion in my pre-teen soul. I wrote to all of them promising a love like no other. None of them responded. You know what they say about a woman scorned.
- •Hawaiian Punch and Kool-AidHave come to realize that I can only drink this shit with vodka, mescal or grain alcohol. Plus, a red "drink mustache" looks stupid when you're over 12 years of age.
- •TwisterThe game. Used to be tons o' party fun. Now it's just another trip to the doctor.