CELEBRITIES WHO WOULD MAKE TERRIBLE PERSONAL ASSISTANTS

  1. Justin Bieber
    I only hire him because his uncle is my friend and I owe him a favor. I constantly have to remind him of the dress code and tell him to stop giving the other employees borderline offensive nicknames. He never does anything I ask him to and if I get mad he always responds with, "I'm young, you know? I'm just trying to figure all this out." I don't like him at all but I also can't bring myself to fire him. He eventually quits because the other employees start calling him Jus and he hates it.
  2. Jennifer Lawrence
    She starts out being really fun to work with, she sends me funny texts when I'm in boring meetings and always makes sure there's some sort of dessert in my office. It's funny the first time she answers a client's call pretending to be an old Irishman but I eventually have to let her go when I start losing clients because she changed my voicemail to a song she wrote about me being too busy to care about their call.
  3. Shailene Woodley
    I hire her without meeting her because she has a great resume and amazing references and I need an assistant ASAP. She's fine until I ask her to make me copies and she breaks the copier by trying to use leaves as paper. She replaces all my pens with sticks of clay she digs out of the garden behind the building and is always filling my desk with weird vegetables and seeds. I let her go when I find out she's been sneaking into my house and replacing all my soap with creek water and pine needles.
  4. Martha Stewart
    She's constantly suggesting I do things her way, she even writes out notecards of her ideas just in case I want to look them over. Every time I try and go out to dinner she insists that she can cook better than any chef and forces me to come to her house to eat. She does her work so I put up with her being so bossy until I find out she's been trying to take me out so she can take over the company. I hire a new assistant in secret and have him fire her.
  5. Ryan Gosling
    Every time he leaves my office he pauses in the doorway, looks back at me, and winks. He always asks me how I'm feeling and tells me not to work too hard. It's nice at first but it quickly becomes exhausting, I get it you're cute. I have to fire him when I find out he's been convincing my clients to quit their jobs and follow their dreams.
  6. Ariana Grande
    She's literally always wearing cat ears. I have many talks with her about the cat ears and she still wears them. She does her work but I can't get over the damn cat ears. I let her go when people start questioning her age and asking about child labor laws. She takes it gracefully but "forgets" the cat ears in my office. She knew the game she was playing. I keep the ears out of respect.