HOW MY SORTING AT HOGWARTS WOULD GO

The Sorting Hat would hate me so much
  1. Me: Okay, look. I'm not trying to be cliché or tacky but I realllllyy want to be in Gryffindor.
  2. SH: hmmm, Gryffindor you say? Let's have a look.
  3. Me: oh shit. OH SHIT. Okay. Have a look. Nothing to hide...except a crazy amount of bravery. Oh man am I brave. See that bit about the time I was ready to pick up that snake that got into the building at work?
  4. SH: You mean the fake snake?
  5. Me: Well yeah, it ended up being fake but I thought it was real. I was ready to fight a real snake. I was BRAVE.
  6. SH: alright, alright, relax. I'll give it to you.
  7. Me: Great. So Gryffindor it is, go on, yell it out.
  8. SH: Hold on, what's this bit about cheating on a Latin final? That's not very brave...it's wrong.
  9. Me: Um if anything it shows a sense of resourcefulness and ambition.
  10. SH: Soooo Slytherin it is? Awesome, BETTER BE
  11. Me: WAIT. WAIT. WAIT. What about the time I asked my cousin if the p is psalm is pronounced??
  12. SH: What about it? You asked a question?
  13. Me: In the middle of my grandpa's funeral, right before I went up to the podium to read a passage. That's not Slytherin behavior, if anything that's
  14. SH: Hufflepuff? I agree. BETTER BE
  15. Me: WAIT. WAIT. wait. Wait. Do you see that bit about the paper I wrote in three hours that I got a perfect score on? I crushed that paper. That kind of knowledge only belongs in one place. Ravenclaw it is. Not my first choice but I'll take it.
  16. SH: You really don't get how this works do you? It's not a single moment that defines your House, it's everything about you. It's who you are at your very core. It's the choices you make when you don't realize you're making a choice. I'm trying to surround you with people who will help you be the best version of yourself.
  17. Me: and that's all very romantic and magical but are you factoring in the whole snake thing??
  18. SH:
  19. Me: You're making a face aren't you? I have a feeling you're making a face. Look, I'm a good person and I was ready to fight a snake and my cheating days are long behind me.
  20. SH: I'm going to put you in Hufflepuff.
  21. Me: A noble house filled with wonderful people and creative thinkers. A true honor.
  22. SH: okay...so IT BETTER BE
  23. Me: It's just......I was so ready to fight that snake and...
  24. SH: oh my god, fine GRYFFINDOR AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS MAGIC SOMEONE GET ME OFF THIS GIRL'S HEAD
  25. Me: