TALENTS I DO NOT BRAG ABOUT NEARLY ENOUGH

  1. I can crack an egg with one hand
    No shells, no split yolks, no tomfoolery just a clean crack. Someone call Gordon Ramsay because this bitch is READY for MasterChef (Junior).
  2. I can change a wet diaper in 30 seconds
    I can also change a child while the child is standing. Once you have to change 30 diapers a day you get it down to a science. Bring me your children, I will change them at lightning speed.
  3. I can dance while running on a treadmill
    The people at the gym either hate me or love me. I bring a certain level of energy to the gym that not everyone can handle at 6 am.
  4. I can put my hair in a ponytail while running and while underwater
    I've never tried to due it while running underwater but I probably could because I'm talented as fuq
  5. I can rally an entire legion of two and three year olds to run around the playground looking for a monster that isn't there
    They'll also chase my coworkers if I tell them too. My own personal army.
  6. I can lace Converse properly
    Which I have come to find that a lot of people can't do? That's why they won't stay tied FYI, they're improperly laced.
  7. I can eat an entire pizza
    Easy, next!
  8. I can crush the living hell out of Harry Potter trivia
    Ask me about Lavender Brown's bunny. Do it. I'll tell you about good ole Binky.
  9. I am a PRO nickname giver
    Almost every nickname I have given to my friends and the kids at work have stuck. Little Bear, Petrie, Kathy, Little Bean, Domingo, Bug. I'm a nickname connoisseur.