THINGS I ONLY STARTED APPRECIATING AFTER MY BROTHER DIED
It was two years ago at 3:30 in the morning. Allow me to get real ~deep~ for a moment.
- •My handsIt wasn't until high school that I realized that people like, look at your hands. Nails are a thing people consider. Because of my incredibly dry skin my hands look hella gross for eight months out of the year. They crack and bleed and it's a mess. My brother and I have the same skin issues and structurally our hands are the exact same, mine are just a bit smaller. Sometimes I'll scratch my nose or stretch my fingers and it will be like I'm looking at him. It's strange and it's magical.
- •Text messagesHaving years worth of conversations saved is amazing. You don't realize how important minor conversations are until they're all you have left. Texts from him asking if I want pizza are so mundane and yet still manage to capture a fraction of who he was in that moment. What he was thinking about. He was hungry and probably bored and wanted me to pay. It's a glimpse of him, the real him, forever persevered in a tiny text bubble.
- •PicturesThis seems obvious but you really don't cherish pictures of someone until you realize that you'll never take another of them. Pictures immortalize people. A day will come when I am old and he'll still be young, smiling behind the glass of a frame, his hair perfectly messy and a smile on his lips.
- •SmellsI have this one shirt of his that, no matter how many times I wash it, always smells like him. A little boy in my class uses the same hair gel that he used to. And every so often I find myself in the men's section of the grocery store sniffing Dove for Men, missing the way the scent would drift through the house after he showered.
- •Not being awake at 2 amI used to think staying up late was cool. I would wear the bags under my eyes like a badge of honor and brag about how I went two sleep three hours before my alarm went off. Now I pray to gods I don't believe in that I fall asleep because the middle of the night plays host to emotions I spend all day running from.
- •My sistersYou know how when you lose one sense your other ones become heightened? The same goes for siblings. I lost my brother and I found myself obsessed with my sisters. Every emotion I have towards them is heightened. I love them more, I worry about them more, I even think that they're funnier than they used to be. I'm constantly using every little scrap of them I can get to try and fill the void he left behind.