WAYS TWO YEAR OLDS HAVE TRIED TO KILL ME
Not to be dramatic but my entire class wants me dead.
- •Turning wooden blocks into projectilesSomething in you changes the first time a solid wooden block unexpectedly collides with your body. You find yourself asking a million questions. The first is always, "who the FFFFFFFFFFFlinstones threw that?!" Followed by: "they're so tiny, how did they throw it so hard?" "Who gave them wooden blocks?" "Is this what being shot feeling like?" "Oh god, what if it hit my head?" "Oh GOD, what if they were aiming for my head and their tiny muscles and lack of coordination failed them?!"
- •DiseaseAw kids are so cute! They love giving hugs! They're so cuddly! FALSE. They have a mission. They want to put as much of their disease ridden body fluids on you as fast as they can. They want you dead. They cross the entire classroom to jump into your lap and sneeze all over your face. Every day is biological warfare. If one of them is feeling sick we'ALLLL gonna be feeling sick, no man left behind.
- •Hiding from me when I'm trying to do a head countIf I lose a kid I lose my job. Plan and simple. I lose my job I lose my income. I lose my income I can't afford food or gas or the Mediterranean chicken salad I get on Tuesdays from the place on campus. No salad, I die. That's all they're thinking of when they're hiding from me. I know it is.
- •Making noise until my brain explodes"Oh man that kid is crying. I should cry too. Louder." -every child in my classroom. Do you know what happens to a person's head when 27 kids are trying to be the loudest person in the room? I don't because whenever it happens I blackout and resurface twenty minutes later when they're eating and temporarily calm. A lot can happen in those twenty minutes. I'm weak. Vulnerable. It wouldn't take a wooden block, a plastic animal could take me down easy.
- •Induce a heart attackThere's always one that has seen too many episodes of PJ Masks and thinks jumping off the slide is an aces idea. Or flipping off a bike. Or scaling a shelf. Or shoving 15 crackers in their mouth at once. Or lunging for something their allergic to. Keep 911 on standby because I gotta save a kid and then someone has gotta save me.
- •Any form of interaction with a toilet that is not using it to go to the bathroom.I'm 20 years old and potty training will be the death of me. One second their fine, the next they're elbow deep in the toilet. I've seen every body part enter a toilet. You don't know your own speed until your stopping a kid from drinking out of a toilet.
- •I actually say this at least five times a day. They're killing me. All the smalls are killing me.