MY DARKEST MOMENT ⚫️

Inspired by @ListPrompts
  1. My brother and I were friends when we were younger.
  2. We bickered good-naturedly like siblings do.
  3. But in high school, things changed.
  4. The first thing that strained our relationship was when I got, and subsequently lost, religion.
    But that's a story for another list.
  5. But the real thing that drove us apart was when he started lying to our parents.
  6. This annoyed me because I loved our parents.
  7. I was a good kid and I just couldn't understand the impulse.
  8. It wasn't important lies, not at first.
  9. And I never took the time to ask or understand his motivation.
  10. I was not the older sister who pushed the boundaries and made it easier for him.
  11. I was the older sister obsessed with perfectionism who held my brother to my own unrealistic standards.
  12. Anyway, as it turned out I believe the lies were probably related to my brother's bipolar disorder which would not be diagnosed until later.
  13. First, he told my parents he'd been having suicidal thoughts.
    I am actually really grateful that he felt okay to speak up about it. I thank my parents for always taking mental health seriously.
  14. He went to an in-patient program for a couple weeks if I remember correctly.
  15. When he came back... I was terrified.
  16. Every time he would be alone for any length of time, I worried I would go into his room and find him dead.
  17. That kind of fear is exhausting.
  18. And after a while... After awhile... I started to get angry about it.
  19. And one time...
  20. I remember...
  21. I was angry and bitter and feeling ungracious...
  22. And I had a moment where I wished that my brother would just do it, and I wouldn't have to worry anymore.
  23. And I was immediately horrified and hated that I thought that.
  24. I know that I didn't really think that.
  25. I know it was just a function of my hurt feelings.
  26. But sometimes, rarely now because I've forgiven myself, that thought haunts me.
  27. And that, I think, was my darkest moment.
    Ps he got on meds and was able to find some that worked for him. He is doing well now though I worry that he probably isn't seeing a therapist at the moment. And I hope he takes care of himself.