CITY WITCHES

Finding Roald Dahl in concrete
  1. City witches are not fans of crystals. They can't be bothered with any of that hippy shit, especially if it smells funny. They do wear a rose quartz when they go out because what witch can't use a little extra luck in love? And City Witches look good in pink, everyone knows it.
  2. City Witches have read your novel. They published your novel five years ago. The reviews called them the next Didion. They also slept with your dad. City Witches are your mom. They wish you would give them a call.
  3. City Witches have lost respect for the infrastructure. They've had to take the subway into their own hands. You know that "delayed because of train traffic ahead of us" message? City Witches need collective frustration mixed with body odor and inappropriate touching for most of their spells. They also have stakes in Uber.
  4. City Witches always have a song in their head, most likely Total Eclipse of the Heart. They walk heels first to keep time with their witchy boots and get all the pigeons in the right rhythm. You might catch a flock in pentagram formation out of the corner of your eye, swooping low for the a Capella ending. City Witches know how to spell a Capella.
  5. City Witches love relationships. They're pretty attached the second they meet someone, already thinking about marriage and babies. They are why men want to "stay casual." When they do snare a "boyfriend," they turn them into cats. City Witches love relationships with cats.