CRUSHES, CHRONOLOGICALLY

This is how I loved them.
  1. David Bowie
    Like many, I fell in love with David Bowie in The Labyrinth. He's lasted for decades as my ideal man in a codpiece.
  2. Richie McPherson
    We hated each other. He teased me mercilessly on the bus. In one fateful kickball game, he hit one straight into the outfield and my face. I had the most gruesome and most embarrassing nose bleed of my life. And while the blood gushed down my face, I knew that Richie had finally seen me and that I no longer needed him.
  3. Cary Elwes
    In Robin Hood: Men In Tights and later in The Crush
  4. All of the Olsen twins' film love interests between 1998 and 2004
    Billboard Dad to New York Minute, the twins could get it.
  5. Jake Ryan
    Still
  6. Numair Salmalin
    Tamora Pierce created a perfectly bookish fictional man for me to (still) pin all my future hopes on.
  7. En Vogue
    I love it when they're withholding.
  8. Kyle McDonald
    This guy was actually a star football player, the prom king and the most beautiful boy in Jackson, WY. I hardly spoke to him and I doubt he remembers me, but I literally used to dream about him. He inhabited all of my teenage fantasies. I'm pretty sure he's dumpy and unimpressive and definitely still in Wyoming but if he looked deeply into my eyes and asked me to the dance, I wouldn't say no...
  9. Elevator Guy
    I first noticed him at the elevator at work. He first noticed me a year earlier as a bartender in Brooklyn. Our first date was still my best. We went to ComicCon and took pictures with Ghostbusters and Sonic the Hedgehog but only had eyes for each other.
  10. Stephen Merchant
    No joke. Ideal man.
  11. Chrissy Teigan
    Who doesn't have the hots for that woman?? Seriously. I love a woman who loves to eat.
  12. Sean
    I've always had to have a work crush and while I've rarely spoken to them, they get me through the day. Sean makes beautiful comics and smokes and is very fond of pizza. We have never spoken.