HOW I COMBAT THE PRESSURES OF NYC
@bjnovak the technical term is sensory deprivation
- •Develop a smoldering spark of hatredWhen you're particularly annoyed with anything (tourists blocking subway doors, slow walkers, taxis) allow this spark to bloom into a flame of invectives ("move, idiot!" "Mooooooooo" "Cars don't matter here. No one cares that you've got a green light")
- •Start drinkingWe're all high-functioning alcoholics here. If someone says they aren't, they probably live in Jersey or Queens or somewhere equally heinous. If you don't suck, you know your drink order and it's not a fucking obscure cocktail or a white wine spritzer.
- •Lose all feeling in your feetOnce they are truly numb, you will glide on crosswalks like an ice dancer. Comfy shoes are for lesser beings. This sounds vain, but in all sincerity nothing takes the pressure off a meeting or date like knowing that you're well shod. Also, you must walk fast in said fancy shoes as it is important for physical superiority over the masses and knowing that you've wasted negative time.
- •GeographyKnow where everything is. Never ask for directions. Do not look at a map after you've left the house. I never get lost, seriously.
- •Find a way to be physically intimidatingMine is purple hair. No one fucks with me. Although occasionally tourists take my picture in midtown.
- •Take the train and readThere is nothing like the superior feeling of being able to drown out a train full of people and escape. This is the Everest of reading and confers double the superciliousness of any normal book completion.
- •Tell yourself you'll cook dinner every morningThen after work suggest (to yourself) the possibility of takeout as if it just occurred to you that you're too tired to cook.
- •Find a hobbyThen use it to act pompous whenever someone else stresses you out with their productiveness, punctuality and/or maturity. Example: "I've been doing a lot of reiki lately and I feel like my life force energy is flowing unimpeded. I wouldn't want to block it with cardio." I have said this without the slightest hint of irony.
- •EarnestyNothing in this list is a joke.