I live in New York and am very rarely let out of this asylum, ship of fools, doomed yet hallowed ground.
  1. There are still trees in America
    In fact, there are lots of them and they're all covered in Spanish Moss and haunted by the ghosts of Confederate soldiers. They're desperately trying to entwine, to reach out and grasp another tree no matter the years or distance necessary to get there. The spaces between them are mottled by sunlight and shadows both cavernous and blinding. They shed profusely.
  2. Dinosaurs are not extinct
    There is a place where ancient beasts of yore are herded by quaint swampfolk while idiots with cameras take photos. This place is not Jurassic Park. These beasts languish for their former paramours and rivals. They yearn for a monster worthy of there disdain. But all they see are apes-- on boats, in trains, on viewing platforms just out of maw's reach. But their day will come and the earth shall be begun anew, A Planet of the Lizards, and until that day, they wait.
  3. There's still room for the dead
    They've let them fester in the ground in acres and acres of prime real estate. In fact, there are mansions gone fallow because the spirits needed some privacy, because Southern folks can't withstand a few poltergeist for authentic parquet floors. The parks have tunnels with tracks and trolleys for filling bygone mass graves and getting rid of Yankees.
  4. Birth anniversaries are to be soberly celebrated
    Any City Witch treads lightly on the hollow and shaky ground that is their yearly reminder of mortality. The Southern Gothic witch is no different. She commemorates her birth demurely with one modest candle and a simple chocolate message of yearly good will ringed by discreet fruit.
  5. Puppetry is not for the faint of heart
    The last Indian massacre in Georgia happened in the northwest corner of the Okefenokee Swamp on July 22, 1838 in the midst of the Second Seminole War when most of the large Wildes family was killed. This is shocking display (see image if you dare) has been made in their honor. A horrifying reminder that there is never an appropriate time for puppetry. The events of my seeing these dummies will live on forever in memory and nightmare.
  6. Disrepair is much easier to maintain
    Collective decay is aspirational for most of us dwellers of apartment-type domiciles. The power of inertia can be as invigorating as a a freshly laundered sheet or a brand new lightbulb. Perhaps the best familiars for the lazy are spiders.
  7. Jell-O shots are always for the children
    Afterwards I felt exceptionally philanthropic.