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  1. Cloudy with a chance of impeachment.
  2. Winds out of Mar-a-Lago
  3. 100 percent chance of The Failing New York Times
  1. 'Loyalty' - Kendrick Lamar
  2. 'You Can't Always Get What You Want' - Rolling Stones
  3. 'Bad Blood' - Taylor Swift
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Is this what it's like to be a member of One Direction?
  1. So I tweeted this.
  2. Not even thinking it was my best work.
  3. And then this happened.
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  1. Taylor Swift reads 'Americanah' by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
  2. Channing Tatum reads 'Samson Agonistes' by John Milton
  3. Patrick Stewart reads 'The Notebook' by Nicholas Sparks
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  1. Ability to adapt to circumstances on a short deadline.
  2. Can work under pressure.
  3. Knows how to hold an envelope.
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  1. You're stuck on a deserted island with an Alt-Right Bro. Tell us how you would work to find common ground.
  2. Describe a moment in your life that was too woke.
  3. What non-profit do you RT the most and why?
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  1. Yes, I Took A Shot Afterwards And No I Don't Want A Hug
  2. How I Shattered The Glass Ceiling And All I Got Were Shards Of Glass In My Eyes
  3. Even Oprah Couldn't Help With This Shit
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  1. If you give a fuccboi your number, he's probably going to save your name next to an eggplant emoji. Or a peach.
  2. He'll probably text you first, but the text will come through at 12:01am and will begin with a u and end with an up.
  3. You'll text him back in the morning, because you don't want to seem desperate.
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  1. "Tell me about your favorite birthday."
    Oh, I don't know. I can't remember that far back. I think maybe my fifth—or was it my seventh—birthday in '52, my mom was supposed to take me to Disneyland and my dad was supposed to watch my younger brother. But, he got too drunk so we all ended up watching I Love Lucy and my dad passed out on the couch with a glass of scotch in his hand. It felt in our green carpet and is had to clean up his mess.
  2. "When did you know you wanted to become a stay-at-home mother?"
    You think I wanted this? Sweetie, I was going to go to medical school, but when I was a senior at Smith, I got engaged to this asshole from asshole from Amherst. And, well, we were Catholic.
  3. "What do you think of Trump?"
    You're kidding. I sacrificed my career, my curvaceous figure, my taste in men, all for what? So that some asshole who is still my husband—because I don't have financial security of my own—relates to a failed businessman that can "Make America Great Again?" It's a joke. My old friends from high school post these absurd statuses on The Facebook—and I really can't handle it.
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  1. 1.
    Check the front yard.
    Is there a garden gnome next to an American flag? That may be a sign that he voted for Trump and that your Aunt Martha spends a lot of his insurance money at HomeGoods.
  2. 2.
    If that doesn't work, go to the kitchen.
    Do you see a baby photo of you, framed by an American flag fridge magnet? You're getting warmer.
  3. 3.
    Open the pantry.
    If you spot at least two boxes of rice you can microwave and throw in some cans of caffeine free Diet Coke, this may be the house of someone who doesn't believe in equal pay for women.
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