All I Want Is a Guy Who...

  1. Has sex with me and only me.
    And doesn't have any STD's. Well, he can have herpes, I guess.
  2. Doesn't pretend he is full after eating sushi for dinner.
    And will order a pizza on our way home and will take the grease off the cheese with a napkin.
  3. Will come over and actually just Netflix and only Chill.
    He'll sit through an episode of the Real Housewives of New York, but we both agree that Atlanta is trashy. And we can make out for a bit.
  4. Also believes Adnan did it.
    But won't tell anyone our secret.
  5. Doesn't have to be cute, but has to be 5'9"
    Because it doesn't matter when you're horizontal.
  6. Can hold his own in a fight.
    And keeps a first aid kit in the back of his new(ish) car.
  7. Will buy me an engagement ring that fits me and is the one I asked for.
    He better not go to Jared's.
  8. Won't dump me for some hot 21-year-old Instagram model.
    When we're both old and fat, because he loves me so much.
  9. Will let me name our children.
    And he also agrees that Apple is a terrible name for a child.
  10. Believes in having a good public school education.
    At a public school in a fancy neighborhood, with a good arts program. Because he supports the arts.
  11. Defends me when I am on trial for murdering the nanny.
    Even if he knows I did it. She was too skinny and I hated that.
  12. Kills the detective who is definitely on to something.
    And blames his intern.
  13. Will come visit me in prison *if* I am given a life sentence every week.
    And will fill me in on whether Brad and Angelina adopted any more kids.
  14. Won't remarry Jennifer across the street.
    He'll remain loyal to me, even though he found out I slept with Jennifer's husband during a conjugal visit, because he loves me that much.
  15. Is that too much to ask?